today i discovered something during my expedition to south Dunedin. heh since it was a good day to walk, i walked from home to south D and whilst wanted to walk to beach, it got cold so changed mind heh. i realized that i have been a 'selfish' christian in the sense that i always come to God only when i want stuff like favour, blessing and well kinda take God for granted. Rather than living to serve him, I end up using him in that sense. Which really sucks and well this walk gave me time to think. While i have a rough idea of what my future is, would rather live my life according to his plan for my life, rather than what i want to do. I mean who else would know me better than the one who created me. My knowledge is scarcely limited and by all accounts i consider myself average. In actual fact, Im blessed to be here and to have my life the way it is. Guess im finally tired of trying to live life my way.. time to let God take over and let his will be done through me. Just my revelation in my journey of life and well.. cant wait to live his plan for my life. Cos it will be better than what i think my life could be heh.
REady when you are Lord. hee~

There has been something that has been on my mind for quite a while and it has bothered me or just been in my mind for so long that think its time to just write it out. In friendships/ relationships, is there one party that does everything or is it suppose to be a partnership or a two way thing. Cos ive felt that in some situations that I’ve been in, I seem to be the one that initiates everything and while that doesn’t really bother me much, its just something that ive been trying to rationalize with? I mean as guys we should definitely initiate stuff in most situations however having to do it all the time with little or not much help from other party well kinda makes it harder to keep doing it. I was under the impression that even in friendships its important that everything is done together in that sense, building each other up and encouraging one another. When one party ends up doing pretty much everything, what exactly does that make it? Kinda makes everything unbalanced I think. It is because of this that I see the importance of communication and that one shouldn’t automatically take things for granted. Instead cherish what you do have rather than take people for granted.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately has to do with me as a person. I am quite far from being my ideal self and accept that however there are limits to my patience. I know for a fact that I have many flaws in my character and in the process of trying to figure them out and sort them out I found out new things about myself for one, if I stuff up, I will admit I’m wrong however something which perturbs me is the way in which I’m told off. There are two main ways of doing it I think. Objectively where you just point out what’s wrong and say how situation can be avoided. The other is talking down to me like I’m a kid and well basically being harsh unnecessarily. I THINK that the first option is most appreciated because basically the second one is just uncalled for. The fact I’m wrong shows that there is something which I’ve not dealt with which is fine but what is not is getting told off in a manner in front of others in a way that puts me down. That is not cool by me on any standards. If people have something to say to me, it would be nice to tell me by myself rather than tell me in front of other people that are not necessarily involved. The fact that if I’m in the wrong( which is quite a bit heh) is bad enough and will have to deal with it, and that would be nice if I didn’t have to deal with someone going ballistic on me.
And well honestly i am by no means perfect and i know i have shortfalls, so would appreciate my flaws being pointed out in an objective manner rather than harshly. To you, U have been a key part of my life for quite some time, thanks for putting up with all of my nonsense, and yea really appreciate you for all the inputs you have added to my life =) thanks

today the 3rd of Dec, is a monumental day for me. Or I think it is anyway. During my afternoon run, I realized that i have been falling away from God because of my stubborn-ness and insistance on doing things my way. So during the run, I recommitted my life back to christ and all the years i have spent endlessly drifting and doing things my own way i put behind me.
God has blessed me with a wonderful bunch of people who have been around me, shaping me to be the person i am. But the road has not always been easy and as such have been an idiot to some of them, and i truly am sorry. My actions Are my responsibility and its juvenile to think that im in things alone. I should NOT take out my frustrations on the people around me. for all the times, i have worn my emotions on my face, im sorry guys that u had to put up with it. despite being 26, i still have a long way to go in terms of controlling my emotions and thanks for putting up with me all this time. im really sorry for all the pple i have hurt during the space of these few weeks, i have not had my head on straight and i assure you, that im better now. Today i choose to man up and choose the path to be a better man in God's eyes. No doubt the journney will be rough but i will persist because i refuse to remain a boy but to grow into a man that will lead my family alongside Christ.

hmm third day of summer and the night is freezing.. hell of a way to kick of summer haha
in terms of life wise, well things are pretty good, there's still pple to hang out with in dunedin (thankfully) so glad to say enjoying community time. This evening had music prac for jess's daughters dedication service next fri so i think that went well. Love ministering with the team ( or what's left of it ). Watched saving pte ryan but fell asleep partway haha cos it was a really really long movie haha. only hitch today was well something which kinda ticked me off just a weebit tonight and well that set up for a rather uncomfortable time with some of the peeps. Due to circumstances that occured something set me off and i ended up being quiet for most of night ( which under normal circumstances would be good =P ) but in this case, wasnt very appropriate. The thing about me is that i kinda wear emotions on my face so if im agitated or annoyed, the whole world would know cos my face turns pitch black and well it made for a rather.. hmm sucky demeanour. So for good portion of the night was a twit and well kinda feel bad bout it. I really have to somehow stop displaying my emotions on my face cos tat kinda immature and childish. Hey despite my 26 years on earth, i guess somethings take longer to change than others.
funny thing is that after i had time to cool off, and oddly enough after watching saving pte ryan, managed to regain control of my head and feel at peace. or at least something like that heh. Respects to men out there who are able to look like everything is fine despite having circumstances fall apart. If that happened to me, GG would describe it aptly. Having a 'pokerface' literally would be kinda handy altho that could bring its own set of problems haha
Job hunt wise is crap and nothing has appeared on SJS so whilst am looking for job cant wait for family to come in 10 days.~~!!!
mom, dad and becks together with becky's godparents are coming =)
cant wait for family to be back together again heh
ok its 312am.. think its time to sleep.. blog again soon
APL

heh the lull of not studying or having classes is awesome. the post exam period is the most calm and soothing other than the frantic worry whether i pass or not >< guess cant do much bout that but to sit and wait. past few days have been mainly gymming, or trying to gym, lazing in burns, going home for dinner then chilling out with either movies or games. this is the life, and summer has only just begun.. i really need a job lol. to kill more time and to bring money in. now with so much free time, the temptation to go movies and other stuff is great but tat too costs money so heh.. job hunt begins. unfortunately this abundance of time leads to the inevitable problem of thinking.. quite a bit. im already 26.. sigh lol 4 years to 30 and in terms of average life span of humans, well am few steps behind. Haven gotten a job, haven found the ONE,haven really settled where i'll be for next few years. Guess the 2 years of army din really help either, nor did the 2 years wasted in polytech heh.. we all learn from mistakes and lol some take more impt things away like time.

moving on heh.. summer in nz well hasnt really gone off to a good start for every 1 day of sunshine theres like 3-4 days of rain.. kinda sucks but heh cant do much bout it. walking down the mall today, for the first time made me feel homesick bout being here for xmas, would give anything to be back home with family,frens. have never missed cny or xmas away from family so this will be weird experience. thankfully have some frens here so wont be as isolated whew..

have started reading books again for leisure, finally after slogging at textbooks or journal articles and heh think will be quite entertained for a while

heh 9 days till D-day.. 2 exams 1 day.. 1 SATURDAY.. the horror.. the horror...
thankfully once that dreaded day is over.. its time to relax.. and get a job. how fun!
been trying to cram my head with theological stuff that heh its quite hard out. Respect to Pastors and theology academics who are able to store massive amount of information in their heads. My mind seems to have cap on data which is massively getting filled up by the hour. No doubt the study of theology is interesting but guess trying to memorize it is not as simple as i hoped.. my 3 years worth of work hanging on the thread of passing these 2 papers.. stress has fianlly hit home heh
so hope can get job at end of yr lest i get bored out of my wits over summer in LOVELY ol Dunedin. if not for the group of frens that would be here.. i would prob go insane out of boredom..
Cant believe its almost been a year already and everything seems to be slowly winding down. am goin to miss the team as they break for summer. no more wed jams, sat worship.. no idea how goin to occupy time.. mayb can finally pick up guitar which i said would do.. for a few years now.

good note is family's coming so heh cant wait for that. which brings the stress of graduation that much more.. loves it.
ok thhats it for nw. 12pm.. if get more bored.. may post again.. haha

Emotional Stability..That is something that I learnt that is very important to have and something which i think i so need to work on. This essentially means having the ability to let things go.. an example is like when there's person X that u care for. Being in control with your emotions is something that guys should have total control of. What girl would want to be with an emo, emotional wreck of a guy. So APL, man up and snap out of emo-phase cos thats self-defeating heh.
The talk I had with a fren, really snapped me out of the rut that I felt i was in and this new revelation should serve me well. Hopefully this would move me one step forward of preparing myself for the future and for the one. =)