There has been something that has been on my mind for quite a while and it has bothered me or just been in my mind for so long that think its time to just write it out. In friendships/ relationships, is there one party that does everything or is it suppose to be a partnership or a two way thing. Cos ive felt that in some situations that I’ve been in, I seem to be the one that initiates everything and while that doesn’t really bother me much, its just something that ive been trying to rationalize with? I mean as guys we should definitely initiate stuff in most situations however having to do it all the time with little or not much help from other party well kinda makes it harder to keep doing it. I was under the impression that even in friendships its important that everything is done together in that sense, building each other up and encouraging one another. When one party ends up doing pretty much everything, what exactly does that make it? Kinda makes everything unbalanced I think. It is because of this that I see the importance of communication and that one shouldn’t automatically take things for granted. Instead cherish what you do have rather than take people for granted.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately has to do with me as a person. I am quite far from being my ideal self and accept that however there are limits to my patience. I know for a fact that I have many flaws in my character and in the process of trying to figure them out and sort them out I found out new things about myself for one, if I stuff up, I will admit I’m wrong however something which perturbs me is the way in which I’m told off. There are two main ways of doing it I think. Objectively where you just point out what’s wrong and say how situation can be avoided. The other is talking down to me like I’m a kid and well basically being harsh unnecessarily. I THINK that the first option is most appreciated because basically the second one is just uncalled for. The fact I’m wrong shows that there is something which I’ve not dealt with which is fine but what is not is getting told off in a manner in front of others in a way that puts me down. That is not cool by me on any standards. If people have something to say to me, it would be nice to tell me by myself rather than tell me in front of other people that are not necessarily involved. The fact that if I’m in the wrong( which is quite a bit heh) is bad enough and will have to deal with it, and that would be nice if I didn’t have to deal with someone going ballistic on me.
And well honestly i am by no means perfect and i know i have shortfalls, so would appreciate my flaws being pointed out in an objective manner rather than harshly. To you, U have been a key part of my life for quite some time, thanks for putting up with all of my nonsense, and yea really appreciate you for all the inputs you have added to my life =) thanks

today the 3rd of Dec, is a monumental day for me. Or I think it is anyway. During my afternoon run, I realized that i have been falling away from God because of my stubborn-ness and insistance on doing things my way. So during the run, I recommitted my life back to christ and all the years i have spent endlessly drifting and doing things my own way i put behind me.
God has blessed me with a wonderful bunch of people who have been around me, shaping me to be the person i am. But the road has not always been easy and as such have been an idiot to some of them, and i truly am sorry. My actions Are my responsibility and its juvenile to think that im in things alone. I should NOT take out my frustrations on the people around me. for all the times, i have worn my emotions on my face, im sorry guys that u had to put up with it. despite being 26, i still have a long way to go in terms of controlling my emotions and thanks for putting up with me all this time. im really sorry for all the pple i have hurt during the space of these few weeks, i have not had my head on straight and i assure you, that im better now. Today i choose to man up and choose the path to be a better man in God's eyes. No doubt the journney will be rough but i will persist because i refuse to remain a boy but to grow into a man that will lead my family alongside Christ.

hmm third day of summer and the night is freezing.. hell of a way to kick of summer haha
in terms of life wise, well things are pretty good, there's still pple to hang out with in dunedin (thankfully) so glad to say enjoying community time. This evening had music prac for jess's daughters dedication service next fri so i think that went well. Love ministering with the team ( or what's left of it ). Watched saving pte ryan but fell asleep partway haha cos it was a really really long movie haha. only hitch today was well something which kinda ticked me off just a weebit tonight and well that set up for a rather uncomfortable time with some of the peeps. Due to circumstances that occured something set me off and i ended up being quiet for most of night ( which under normal circumstances would be good =P ) but in this case, wasnt very appropriate. The thing about me is that i kinda wear emotions on my face so if im agitated or annoyed, the whole world would know cos my face turns pitch black and well it made for a rather.. hmm sucky demeanour. So for good portion of the night was a twit and well kinda feel bad bout it. I really have to somehow stop displaying my emotions on my face cos tat kinda immature and childish. Hey despite my 26 years on earth, i guess somethings take longer to change than others.
funny thing is that after i had time to cool off, and oddly enough after watching saving pte ryan, managed to regain control of my head and feel at peace. or at least something like that heh. Respects to men out there who are able to look like everything is fine despite having circumstances fall apart. If that happened to me, GG would describe it aptly. Having a 'pokerface' literally would be kinda handy altho that could bring its own set of problems haha
Job hunt wise is crap and nothing has appeared on SJS so whilst am looking for job cant wait for family to come in 10 days.~~!!!
mom, dad and becks together with becky's godparents are coming =)
cant wait for family to be back together again heh
ok its 312am.. think its time to sleep.. blog again soon
APL

heh the lull of not studying or having classes is awesome. the post exam period is the most calm and soothing other than the frantic worry whether i pass or not >< guess cant do much bout that but to sit and wait. past few days have been mainly gymming, or trying to gym, lazing in burns, going home for dinner then chilling out with either movies or games. this is the life, and summer has only just begun.. i really need a job lol. to kill more time and to bring money in. now with so much free time, the temptation to go movies and other stuff is great but tat too costs money so heh.. job hunt begins. unfortunately this abundance of time leads to the inevitable problem of thinking.. quite a bit. im already 26.. sigh lol 4 years to 30 and in terms of average life span of humans, well am few steps behind. Haven gotten a job, haven found the ONE,haven really settled where i'll be for next few years. Guess the 2 years of army din really help either, nor did the 2 years wasted in polytech heh.. we all learn from mistakes and lol some take more impt things away like time.

moving on heh.. summer in nz well hasnt really gone off to a good start for every 1 day of sunshine theres like 3-4 days of rain.. kinda sucks but heh cant do much bout it. walking down the mall today, for the first time made me feel homesick bout being here for xmas, would give anything to be back home with family,frens. have never missed cny or xmas away from family so this will be weird experience. thankfully have some frens here so wont be as isolated whew..

have started reading books again for leisure, finally after slogging at textbooks or journal articles and heh think will be quite entertained for a while

heh 9 days till D-day.. 2 exams 1 day.. 1 SATURDAY.. the horror.. the horror...
thankfully once that dreaded day is over.. its time to relax.. and get a job. how fun!
been trying to cram my head with theological stuff that heh its quite hard out. Respect to Pastors and theology academics who are able to store massive amount of information in their heads. My mind seems to have cap on data which is massively getting filled up by the hour. No doubt the study of theology is interesting but guess trying to memorize it is not as simple as i hoped.. my 3 years worth of work hanging on the thread of passing these 2 papers.. stress has fianlly hit home heh
so hope can get job at end of yr lest i get bored out of my wits over summer in LOVELY ol Dunedin. if not for the group of frens that would be here.. i would prob go insane out of boredom..
Cant believe its almost been a year already and everything seems to be slowly winding down. am goin to miss the team as they break for summer. no more wed jams, sat worship.. no idea how goin to occupy time.. mayb can finally pick up guitar which i said would do.. for a few years now.

good note is family's coming so heh cant wait for that. which brings the stress of graduation that much more.. loves it.
ok thhats it for nw. 12pm.. if get more bored.. may post again.. haha

Emotional Stability..That is something that I learnt that is very important to have and something which i think i so need to work on. This essentially means having the ability to let things go.. an example is like when there's person X that u care for. Being in control with your emotions is something that guys should have total control of. What girl would want to be with an emo, emotional wreck of a guy. So APL, man up and snap out of emo-phase cos thats self-defeating heh.
The talk I had with a fren, really snapped me out of the rut that I felt i was in and this new revelation should serve me well. Hopefully this would move me one step forward of preparing myself for the future and for the one. =)

ahhhh!!! I give up
im so tired of trying to live life the way i think i should..
God take over all aspects of my life am so tired of doing things of my own strength
, every little aspect im done with trying to manage things by myself using my own limited understanding.. the finals are approaching and i've been swarmed by thoughts that continually distract me from my work..
trying to not be emo.. cant afford to be emo
men of God cant be emo.. and yet .. so easy to fall back into it.
need God's plan for my life cos mine kinda sucks.. i dun wanna do things just because i want to but i want to follow HIS plan for my life.. i cant direct myself for "yoghurt" ( EXPLETIVE HERE) how am i suppose to lead someone else as well when the time comes.. of all the lousy times to receive revelation like this lol
need to also stop opening myself up to pple too much cos all it ends up for me is getting more hurt and frustration when things dun happen the way i want it to. I guess guys dun do that for a reason.. and well just found out why..
need to study study study not emo emo emo
.. whew its out .. back to stdy heh

a month to my finals to my first degree.. cant wait yet worried cos have heaps to do.
past few weeks have been crazy with assignments and the uncertainty of the future,
my final essay is due fri and after tat comes the unenvieable task of studying for 2 of the most challeging papers ive fast thus far. for papers that suppose to build up my beliefs, they are good to know but insanely hard to study for. ah well.s 1 month of intensive hopefully will be enough.
also need to sort out papers for tourism next year and heh figure out what im goin to do over summer break in this 'awesome' place.

at worship prac dinner, realized how far ive come and honestly how far i have got to go before i get better. Have been stagnant for the longest time and could be because of few factors, study and prob little of lack thereof of quiet time.. hmm
somehow its taken me a while but realize that nothing i can do will ever change my life unless God wills it. and well past year have had my share of ups and downs ( mostly downs ) lol
relationships wise.. its been a mess and confusing as heck. just cant seem to accept the fact that God wont show me the one until Im ready and by the looks of things ive got a long way to go.
I have always been the 'one' who gives advice and stuff but haha sad thing is im never the one that the advice is for. talk bout irony =(
anyways.. have to do the hard thing and just leave it to God to unfold his plan.. and at same time have to be moulded to be right person
( interestingly wonder what requirements for me do i lack to become..well passable ) haha.. and well hope that can survive it cos while God knows my limits, sigh i just wish i could be content single.

on first positive note.. exercise at 6am has been goin ok so far tho almost died today cos was doing so much weights.. will hurt like mad tmr.. hope to lose 10+ kg at some stage.. im too fat and need to see 6 pack soon or eventually
anything interesting in my life other than tat.. not really
these few things have been on my mind for quite some time now
oh ya. for some reason TAWG has been going veri slow for quite a well need to jumpstart it cos cant really hear from God much cos of silly reasons that have been coming up.. man so need to work on my life..
dang sound so emo now... arghh
anyways.. again

back to assignment and life ... fun.. =)

this is not a good start to the semester.. 3rd day of semester already and im sooo tired. of everything. I slacked around too much during break so now have back to back assignments to do.
Stuff has happened around me in which i'm affected so that kinda sux. Was at leaders meeting today and well.. honestly for the first time in a while.. felt like i dun deserve to be there.
Is this what it feels like to be burnt out? cos if it is it really sux. While im worried bout studies, things just keep happening to tick me off.. arghhh
heh well now that tats out of picture, man of all times to be burdened down , 'love' the timing for this.
I still enjoy serving but think have been doing it out of my own strength so feel really tired.. leading anyway.
looks like need to chillax abit to get my head on right.
studies wise things piling up and have so much to catch up on. really wish had more time to cover stuff but gotta make do with what i have. sigh
so tired being me.. physically draining, emotionally draining.. i wish i could take a break being me
if i could .. i would just let myself operate and let body function on its own( yea i know its not possible but heh )
man wish family was here.. mom dad becky.. sigh
hope dun stay in this state for long.. its depressing sigh
APL

Heh first day of mid-semester break has been awesome so far. Woke up late, then went to beach with foundation friends. After long drive, went there and the sun was awesome.. tried playin touch for abit then got bored and just buried aufar in the sand.. haha good times
Bit guilty that haven started on any of essays yet but guess will spend rest of week doing it so it kinda balances out. Still haven quite sussed out what Im intending to study next year yet and heh looking forward to/ dreading it at the same time.
kinda getting tired of mindless writing of essays and heh cant wait to just relax.. for a while before worrying bout next year haha

church wise.. things are awesome.. or kinda awesome.. cos one of guys pulled out of LG, my LG is currently shelved but heh other than tat other aspects of church still rock. Serving in worship team has never been as fulfilling and really glad and able to grow and serve in this manner heh. Relationships wise.. haha i still kinda have a long way to go from being ready to find the 'one'.
Still have many things to work on and prepare myself for.. and well haha so far process seems slow but heh ill get there... eventually.. i hope.. heh
This season seems to be the season for getting attached.. or in finding the right one for different pple around me. Not that it pressures me much but heh.. personally i know im prob not as ready as each of these people so kinda have no right to be jealous or envious about. wish i was ready now but think that cant happen overnight. so have to wait for it to happen over time.. sigh
so many eligible pple around me and yet haha think i have long way to go to be close to their level/ standard. heh
of all the things which i think im not called for is the gift of celibacy cos well i dun really like not being able to share my life with someone.. so haha call me a sap if u must but tats wat i think.
i went to watch a movie with some friends over weekend , the ugly truth and honestly wat struck me most about gerard butler's role other than him being crude is that he actually helped katherine heigl's character out with her love interest that when he eventually fell for her , he couldnt do anything bout it..
ironically i feel that way that i seem to be able to help everyone except myself.. kinda sad in a way but haha guess if tats the way it works for now. then ill just stick to it. somehow in my view. despite wanting to help pple out. i seem to sacrifice myself and my feelings in the process. the expense of helping others out seems noble but personally its one of the hardest things i have to do.
the price/cost of being APL is alot.. i do enjoy helping pple out.. its just at times.. i wish i could just exist.. emotionally heh despite stigma that men do not have emotions, some of us do and i seem to be one of those 'fortunate' chaps that do. how some men remain emotionless and distant from their feelings seem well at times something that i wish i had. but that cost would mean i wouldnt care about my family, frens which is a cost that im not willing to pay.
heh this from day 1 of holiday.. 6 more days ( and mayb more) of blogging insight to come =)

bleah. 2nd week of uni back and well.. kinda glad have things to do to occupy time now.. things getting bz at uni with assignments and stuff coming up. last sem in uni for deg.. scary thought. God willing i can clear everything then my scary journey called life begins. and if worrying bout uni is not hard enough as it is, i kinda stuffed up something which meant and kinda still means heaps to me.
recently few days back i was confronted with a decision to talk to a fren about a particular topic. and being suddenly confronted by it, i initially thought it was a good idea to clarify stuff.. which in normal circumstances is good but in mine.. totally ruined in my view.. the frenship. since having the talk, i have been treated differently from this otherwise close fren of mine. It has come to a point where, even when im with her, i struggle to talk because of the tension in the air. In other cases it would be better to talk things thru but in this case, all it did was cost me the friendship.. which in this case. i cant even begin to explain. So in a mere week?, everything changed and the person i thought i knew, apparently i dun anymore. Is there a silver lining in this? heh if there is i cant find it and well.. i guess this happens in life and well gonna have to deal with it somehow.
Keep replaying in my mind the situation and if i had just shut up, all this would have been avoided..
I wish i had just shut up
APL.. =(

hmm now that exams over.. can restart long forgotten hobby of blogging..
quite sure no one follows this blog anymore so can write as much as i wish.
sigh really hope can pass upcoming exams cos hope to graduate soon haha
need to pray hard that God opens the door so can stay here.. if not have to go back to sG which would rather stay here a while more.. my heart is still with dunedin
unfortunately while my heart remains here.. part of me will be lost come next year.. a dear fren may be moving away to get a job elsewhere and that is something which i am so not looking forward to . I've known her for quite some time and shes someone i can be myself around. Just silly ol' APL
just being able to open up and share my thoughts and life with her has been one of the greatest things that have happened in my life and come next year when she leaves.. part of me will be going away and .. as much as i dun wan that to happen.. if its God will she moves, haha who am i to say anything about it.
which brings me to my dilemma.. this 3 weeks will be a time where i need to sit down and pray my heart out for things that i see as important. Job, PR , location these are some of things on my agenda..
These things are some of the things i have to surrender to God and let his will be done.. Who am i to insist on doing things my way. The creator of heaven and earth will surely know what hes doing much better than i do haha
while i am growing older, I continue to believe that God has the ideal woman out there for me..
I need to train myself to be the godly leader,man that I have been called to be.
Just hard at times.. doing life, with no one to share my heart out totally to. Which is why by her leaving, I would have lost someone who i greatly care about. While we will be seperated by a vast distance, i pray that the friendship will still last because.. well she means that much to me..
heh.. not bad 1st post in a while and u get emo APL..
heh so free now.. this is best thing to do to clear head heh
APL

lets see.. where do i begin
this is like 5th week of being a 3rd year uni BA student and.. well I kinda have lot more time than i expected.. which is good and bad depends on how u look at it. i kinda have more freedom to do work at my own pace.. which well i guess is good.. in a way. I kinda miss having more classes, like in foundation having same classmates cos my papers are so random that i rarely see people for long.. sigh

have few assignments due before mid sem break so trying to cram them out asap
church wise.. am enjoying my ministry and still growing in it, am grooming up new leaders to take over/assist with service so thats good. worship is something which i can continually do and not get tired of.. so tats awesome .camp is coming up and am so excited for tat and yet.. something has been on my mind for a while and tats kinda main reason why im posting on this.

I've known X for quite a while now..but somehow never got to know her that well until this year.
the more i get to know and interact with her the more i feel comfortable around her and stuff.. The thing is she's pretty, smart and alot of fun to be around, whilst i'm average.. not too intelligent and i hope i;m fun to be around haha.
The thing is that I'm tired of just having one sided crushes cos heh i know too well wat its like for things to go south really fast. The only thing i can do now is well i haven the foggiest idea because she is like (yea sounds cliche but too bad) the ideal person that i had in mind. The only thing is I have no idea how she feels because prob dun dare ask her or I think i can guess the answer.
Its just annoying how someone so seeming perfect is there but u cant quite do anything about it .
Only thing i can do now is pray that either a) a situation arises where i can do something about it or b) which is my least fav.. watch as her life unfolds and I can kick myself in the butt for not doing anything. sigh.. I know i should just wait for God to send the ideal person it.. and i really hope its someone like X.. cos aiya.. dunno la
for now.. all i can do is wait and pray.. sigh